Hello Reader,

Hope you had a great start to the week. Today I want to share something that's been on my mind. It's going to be a longer one, so grab your coffee and let's dive in.

Why Some People Transform While Others Stay Stuck

For the past few months, I've been obsessed with one question:

What separates people who transform from people who stay stuck for years?

Because watching people spend years in workshops, learning from different mentors without changing their actual lives—it bothers me. Then, right when I was thinking about this, my friend (who created the retreats for men, where I was briefly a guide) posted a story on Facebook:

"Does anyone else feel exhausted and burnt out from personal and spiritual growth?"

I don't usually spend time on Facebook, let alone reply, but this time, I felt the urge to respond, and this was my answer:

"I've never in my 16-year personal growth journey felt stuck, burnt out, or frustrated wanting to quit."

For context: I did feel hopeless or stuck in different areas of my life at different times. I just always shifted my focus to another area for a while. Not once did giving up cross my mind. For example, when I couldn't get a date from cold approaching women on the streets in my early 20s, I switched focus to my self-worth—starting with my looks (even though it was superficial, it led me to where I am now, step by step)—knowing I would get back to improving my dating life later. I was unconsciously practicing surrender for years without even knowing it.

We then exchanged voice messages. He shared that many people responded yes. They'd spent years in workshops—somatic trauma healing, plant medicine retreats, therapy—and still felt far from their dream life.

He explained that many people around him, especially this year, feel hopeless. Despite the effort, despite all the workshops, they haven't really changed their lives in a meaningful way.

He wanted to hear my opinion. So why do some people feel burnt out while others don't?

The Common Patterns I've Noticed

I'm writing from a Coffee shop today. It's the first time since my daughter was born 6 months ago that I've been away from home for nearly 4 hours.

Looking back, despite being stuck at home, I've grown more in these challenging past 6 months than I did during 2022—the year I attended more workshops than any other up until that point. If you haven't read the old editions of my story, you can read them here. And I did it without attending a single one.

Here's what I've noticed:

Many people in personal growth collect techniques and modalities like Pokémon cards. They treat growth as if more workshops, more books, more techniques will change their lives (I've been guilty of this, too).

But it's not the tools themselves. It's what you do with them.

Most don't see immediate results and go back to searching for the next thing. But growth doesn't work like cramming for an exam. It compounds. Like interest in a savings account—you don't see much for weeks, months, or even years (although I believe it never has to take that long). Then suddenly you have a breakthrough—which wouldn't have happened without putting in the work first.

The question isn't how much you know. It's whether you're actually practicing what you already know.

I've noticed that too often in this space, learning and healing become a kind of procrastination—a protection from living the uncomfortable reality.

What do People Who Do Transform Have In Common?

1. They Have a Vision Bigger Than Their Problems

When you're focused solely on healing yourself, you spiral inward. You get lost in your patterns, analyzing every wound, every trigger. The healing becomes the identity.

But when you have a compelling vision—something you're building toward—your problems transform from prisons into obstacles to overcome.

This is what I discovered unconsciously when dating wasn't working. Instead of staying stuck in "why can't I get a date?" I shifted my focus to something I could actually work on: my self-worth, starting with my appearance. So I started hitting the gym. Was it superficial? Sure. But it gave me forward momentum. And that momentum, step by step, led me to where I am now.

The paradox: the moment you stop trying to "fix" yourself and start following your vision, the fixing happens naturally as a byproduct.

People who transform aren't endlessly processing their past. They're creating their future.

2. They Focus on Serving Others

And here's where that vision becomes real: through service.

Viktor Frankl discovered this in the concentration camps: those who found meaning in serving others—even in the smallest ways—survived when others gave up. He later wrote that self-actualization is only possible as a side effect of self-transcendence.

Your wounds don't become wisdom until you use them to help someone else. Service is how you verify your transformation is real—not by understanding it intellectually, but by living it through helping others.

I met a man who'd done 5 years of psychotherapy, attended countless healing workshops, and completed 13 Ayahuasca retreats in 3 years. Back when I was still trying to solve my own problems, I doubted whether I had anything valuable to offer, so I didn't offer any advice. But I've had experiences since then that helped me trust myself—and more importantly find deeper purpose through serving others.

Like helping a man with a similar story (though without the Ayahuasca) have a breakthrough in one session—despite making zero progress after working with three coaches and a year of therapy.

Experiences like this feel like breakthroughs (and they are), but they're only the first step. This is where most people in personal growth get stuck—in understanding but not embodying.

3. They Question the Story They're Telling Themselves

Here's something most people miss: the moment you say "I'm just like this," you've locked yourself in a cage.

If you don't like the way you are but accept it as unchangeable, that's a limiting belief by definition. And beliefs aren't facts—they're stories you're telling yourself about who you are.

Your beliefs create your state of being. They generate your negative thoughts, trigger your negative emotions, and heavily influence your actions. They filter everything you perceive, showing you only what confirms what you already believe.

The good news? Stories can be rewritten.

I used to tell myself I was "just shy" or "a nice guy." That story kept me small for years. But the moment I saw someone who used to be more anxious than me become confident and assertive, that story shattered. If they could change, why couldn't I?

The people who transform are the ones who catch themselves mid-story and ask: "Is this actually true, or is this just what I've been telling myself?"

They question the old story. They create a new one. How? The fastest way I've found is releasing the emotions attached to those beliefs first, then clearing the limiting beliefs themselves.

4. They Make Small Changes in Real Life—Step by Step

Here's something I've observed in myself and others: the healing community can become a comfortable place to stay stuck—endlessly processing instead of actually changing.

I've been there too—attending workshops but not practicing what I learned, not taking action in real life. It feels like you're growing while staying small when it matters.

Practice what you learned. Daily. In the uncomfortable moments, not in the comfort of your cushion. Build this capacity progressively—starting with less tense situations and gradually expanding what you can handle.

Last year, I realized I'd backed down with my wife several times when I knew I shouldn't have—when I knew I was right. I saw it was fear of abandonment driving that pattern. After releasing that fear, the next time a similar situation arose, I stayed present and spoke my truth despite the tension.

I knew I should have stepped into the tension recently and told that receptionist at my dental clinic that I didn't want another appointment (it's a large clinic—they treat patients like revenue, not people they're helping). Instead, I used excuses. "I'm too busy." Which was partly true, but wasn't the real reason. Another lesson for me there.

These daily situations—these small moments of tension—are where you practice speaking your truth. And building your capacity to handle more tension is about being unapologetically yourself. All the growth is actually just peeling the layers to reveal who you are beneath the wounds, limiting beliefs, and conditioning. This is where many people fail.

Why Understanding Alone Doesn't Change Anything

This is why so many stay trapped in The Gap—that excruciating space between knowing and doing. Being conscious of their patterns but not changing them. Being aware but not acting. Or freezing when it matters most.

Whether it's shyness and social anxiety, overthinking, or perfectionism—it's all a form of self-sabotage. A protective mechanism that keeps you safe but small.

Closing The Gap

This realization—that insight without practice keeps people trapped—is what my program addresses. I created a page that shows you why The Gap exists, what it takes to close it, and whether this approach resonates with you.

Take a look here.

If it speaks to where you are right now—if you recognize yourself in The Gap—book a 90-minute exploration call. No sales pitch. Just a real conversation about what you're facing and whether I can help. We'll dive into what's keeping you stuck, whether we work together or not. If you've been following this newsletter but haven't talked with me yet, this might be your sign.

Either way, thanks for being here and reading.

Until next time,

Bo